Happiness Initiative # 1

Compliments: The Joy That Comes From Praising Others

Not too long ago, I was having a particularly stressful week.  I was pulling a typical Allyson Crasnick, trying to teach 10 Pilates classes, finish my second book, launch a new website about a subject I know nothing about, and clean out my junk cabinet (who can fit it all in a drawer?).  All that on top of working my full-time job and taking care of the two humans and two dogs that depend on me every waking moment of the day.  So really, nothing out of the ordinary.

(Disclaimer:  This way of living is not normal and I do not endorse it.  Yes, I am on antianxiety medications but, clearly, they are not working.)

But unlike most weeks, I was actually feeling pretty disheartened.  Instead of crushing my individual goals, I felt like I was half-assing them.  This way of thinking left me feeling like a failure, which to be honest, is not a word that is typically in my vernacular. 

I remember it clearly—I was standing at my desk at work (who doesn’t love a good sit/stand station?) expressing this very sentiment to my dear friend and spiritual advisor Sarah who looked me straight in the eyes and said, “Well it’s a good thing you put 150% into everything you do.”

Now I don’t know if Sarah intended this as a compliment, or rather just an observation, but I was so touched I could have cried. 

I was struck down dumb for a minute before I finally thought to myself, You know what? She’s right. 

And to this day, whenever I focus on my shortcomings, I think of that compliment from Sarah and it immediately boosts my spirits.  Even if I’m half-assing it, I’m still putting in 75%, which is pretty damn good even by my own ridiculously high standards.

So, let’s take a deep dive into compliments, shall we?  The formal definition of compliments (according to the Oxford Language Dictionary) is “a polite expression of praise or admiration.”  Sounds straightforward, yes.  But this seemingly simple concept has the power to be so much more and that is why our first ever Happiness Initiative is giving 3 compliments a day!

Let’s face it, we all love receiving compliments.  Who doesn’t feel better after Louise from accounting tells you she loves the boots you really couldn’t afford to buy in the first place or when Lisa, fellow soccer Mom, tells you she really admires how you always sneak alcohol onto school grounds, especially since you’ve been warned by school administrators that there are, in fact, cameras on site.  (I’m kidding people, I’m kidding.  My kids don’t even play soccer!)

Now alternatively, let’s talk about giving compliments.  Is this something you do on a regular basis?  Take a minute to think about it.  If so, why?  And if not, why?

There are a million reasons to give a compliment.  For starters, it’s a nice thing to do.  It’s also fairly easy.  You make an observation in your head and then you simply say the words out loud. 

Additionally, giving a compliment can be a great way to start up a conversation, especially for you sweet but shy introverts with crippling social anxiety (it’s ok, you balance out all of us obnoxious extroverts.  The world needs all kinds).

It also might be an easy way to determine that you share common interests with another person.  “You also have your child’s belly button in your nightstand drawer even though she is eleven years old?  So do I! Your husband also thinks you are disgusting and in need of professional help?  So does mine!”  And voila, you’ve got a new brand best friend, just like that.

On the contrary, however, there are loads of reasons we don’t give compliments, and let’s explore some of them on a deeper level.

For starters, giving a compliment can make us feel vulnerable.  Telling Barbara from Book (aka Wine) Club that you admire her speed-reading skills may also result in you telling her that you have dyslexia and that while you love books, you often find reading frustrating and painful.  Admitting our self-perceived failures and limitations is never easy, and so we often just choose to say nothing. 

In addition, there is often a fine line between appreciation and envy.  For example, telling Veronica you admire her tight, toned calves may shine a light on the fact that your own calves have always been rather doughy, a source of great personal distress.  And so instead of complimenting Veronica, we get hung up on our own insecurities and once again, we choose to remain silent.  After all, we don’t want Veronica to now look at our calves and shudder.

Last but not least, sometimes giving compliments can make us feel downright creepy.  I remember doing a history and physical exam one day and being completely mesmerized by a female patient’s nail beds.  (Yes, I am a total weirdo and I’m ok with that.)  Back to my previous point about envy, I loathe my own nail beds and chubby little sausage fingers and am therefore extremely quick to notice the good-looking hands of others. 

After I was done examining the patient, I went out and told the surgeon (who no doubt could have cared less) that the lady had been delightful but more importantly, her nail beds had been amongst the finest I had ever seen. 

“I almost complimented her on them,” I told the disinterested surgeon. 

“I think it’s smart that you didn’t,” he replied, without bothering to look up from his computer.  Neurosurgeons, too busy and too brilliant to be bothered by such trivial concerns.  Sigh.

So yes, sometimes we refrain from giving compliments because we don’t want to look like a total creeper.  This is fair.  I mean, I’ve got bills to pay.  I can’t go terrifying my innocent patients because of my unhealthy nail-bed obsession.  It’s downright unethical.

In the end, there are lots of reasons why we give compliments and there are lots of reasons why we don’t.

Now that we have more fully explored the concept of compliments (and now that you know how truly deranged I am, if you didn’t already), I propose our first ever Happiness Initiative:  Three compliments a day, either to someone you know well, someone you know a little bit, or someone you don’t know at all!

Now, a few suggestions:

1.   Try and give compliments that run deeper than those of a superficial level (even though those are nice, too!).  For example, instead of saying, “Marsha, I love that you are wearing a Santa Claus sweater in July,” say something that speaks to who Marsha is as a person: “Marsha, you’ve always struck me as a confident person who doesn’t get hung up on what other people think.  It’s such a great quality!”

2.   Don’t be afraid to get personal.  “I had a terrible morning with my toddler and the fact that you got my computer up and running again was so helpful.  I so admire how great you are with technology!”  This kind of statement allows us to give praise while admitting that we are vulnerable and, therefore, relatable.

3.   Have fun and get creative!  Don’t be afraid to think outside the box.  Be thoughtful with your compliments and make them as genuine and sincere as possible. 

4.  Last but not least, don’t be creepy.  “Rhonda, I can’t stop staring at your boobs, they look so amazing in that super revealing shirt!”  (Note that Rhonda is a total stranger.)

So, are you up for the challenge?  If so, let’s get started!  You can even start preparing right now.  Off to the office tomorrow?  Get your compliment ready to go for Linda. “Thanks for telling me I didn’t smell that bad after I got sprayed by a skunk last week.  I really appreciated your support!”  Work from home or tend to self-isolate?  Not to worry, you can give praise via text or social media.  And be sure to jot your compliments down in a notebook, it will be fun to look back at the end of the two weeks and witness all the joy we have shared. 

It might also be interesting to document the person’s reaction to the compliment.  Did they burst into tears because they were so grateful or did they awkwardly shy away?  Some people simply cannot accept praise and feel incredibly uncomfortable when given positive feedback. (Hmmmm…future blog topic?)

At any rate, I can’t wait to get started!  As with all Happiness Initiatives, we will engage in this behavior for two weeks and then spend another week reflecting on our experiences and sharing them on the blog.  Ultimately, we will all ask ourselves the following the question “Am I happier now than I was two weeks ago?”

Good luck you beautiful people, and ESPECIALLY those of you with beautiful nail beds!  I admire you so much!